So I got out a pad and pen and began to think about what I want to be when I grow-up...
You know that cricket sound they make in movies when it's complete silence, that's all that was in my head, crickets. I then thought about fishing and then why we use crickets and not grasshoppers, or do they use grasshoppers? Then I thought about how weird it is that no one plays cricket, I'd like to learn to play cricket even though I hear it's really rough, of course I love water polo and that's a rough sport, man I miss the days of playing water polo back in high school I always kicked tail! Man, high school when I was in high school I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, and then I remembered what I was supposed to be thinking about, oh yes, my future.
I decided first to travel back, what did I want to be in years past maybe I just forgot what I want to do...
Well at age 4 I wanted to be a Batman and Joker mommy--I've since discovered that both are older than me, beyond the age of adoption and they're fictional so I don't think that's a viable career path.
By age 6 I had decided on teacher, singer, or first woman president--firstly I think there will be a woman president before I'm 32 and I've discovered that to be president you have to be a politician and people don't like it when their politicians begin to cry during a debate because no one will listen to them so I don't think that's going to work. Singer, well if someone wants to discover me I'd still be open to it, but it doesn't seem that's where God's calling me. And I tried the teacher thing and God told me no, but I still don't know what he's saying "yes" to.
So then I started to dream...I thought, "if I could do anything, be anything and money or schooling or experience, if nothing was to hold me back what would I do?" That's when the crickets started up their chorus again.
I've always thought of myself like Joseph, I used to think I'd been given this dream and was still in slavery or in jail (yes I did just compare college to slavery and jail, it was keeping me from doing what God had called me to) but now realize that I don't have a dream, I've got nothin. Then God brought Paul to mind, well before he was Paul. He was on a mission that he believed was for God and then Jesus came to him and knocked him to the ground and blinded him and then he wandered around for a couple of days completely blind until God called Ananias. Can you imagine how those couple of days felt?! He had to have been thinking, "I'll never see again!" "What's will this Jesus? He comes knocks me off my horse and then blinds me!?!"
To be honest that's a bit how I've felt, like I was knocked off my donkey which was going down my road to Damascus (ie doing something that I thought I was supposed to do, all in my own strength. no, not persecuting Christians that's not part of the analogy, no worries) and now I'm wandering around blind. And over time I have had conversations with God asking why he has knocked me off a perfectly good career path and then seemingly left me hanging. But he has given me little footsteps along the way and thus I know I am where I'm supposed to be. I know I'm doing what has been asked of me. I just wish I knew that next step, but I guess God knows I am a bit like Paul, well to be honest I think I'm more like Saul. I have a tendency to get the idea and run for it doing it in my own strength not waiting on him, so maybe that's why I'm blind to force me to wait, to force me to depend on him to accomplish it. I'll be honest though, I really wish he would give me a hint or hurry up and call to my Ananias so that I could figure out what to do next, but I'm beginning to figure out that's the point...
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