what about john...

Tonight God kind of yelled at me, in the loving Godly way of yelling at someone. If you've read much of the gospels it sounded a lot like his talk with Peter when he asked him over and over again "Peter, do you love me?" I've always related to Peter. I've always wanted to relate to John, you know "the disciple whom Jesus loved," although I still love that John called himself that. :) I've also wanted to be more like Paul, but really the more and more I read of scripture Peter and I are like two peas in a pod, he must have been a cleric, sanguine mix as well. I know I'm quick to jump out of the boat, and I know I'm really bad about then looking at the waves and starting to sink. I know that I'd be the first to jump up and say "I'll never deny you!" yet, I know there are times when I have. Tonight, I was shown another way that I'm like Peter, we're comparative....

Tim Lundy came and talked to 501 tonight about God's silence. I'm not going to transcribe the talk for you, although I do wish I had a recording, but I am going to tell you about my little "Peter moment." Tim was talking about how when we have those gaps in conversation we need to be sure we fill it with faith in Christ and not other things. I don't think it's any surprise to anyone, but I'm not where I thought I was going to be at 24. I never thought I'd be back in Little Rock, I was pretty certain I'd either be famous or in another country by now. I was also pretty certain I'd be married or at least be out of school, but I'm none of those things. I do know though that I'm where God has told me to be and honestly I look around and think, "ok God, I've held up my end of the bargain. I'm doing what you've asked me to do, seriously why is 'so and so' who has not sacrificed nearly as much as I have getting all the desires of her heart and what do I have to show?" Really, "what about her?" I'm glad to know though that once again, I'm in good company. When Jesus foretold of Peter's crucifixion in John 21 his immediate response was "what about John?" I can imagine it, if 5 or 6 years ago Jesus had come to me and foretold of where my life was going to be now I'm pretty sure I would have said, "well, what about Malorie?" or "what about Lorraine?" But Jesus said, "what is that to you? You must follow me."

So, that's what God said to me tonight, "stop worrying about them, that is none of your concern. You, Christa Marie, must follow me!" And ya know, yeah Peter did get crucified, but John wasn't the only one Jesus loved, he loved Peter too. So, once again I've got to get my eyes off those around me and simply follow him, no matter what that means. I'd rather be rejected, tortured, or even worse an old maid ;) than for Christ to look at me and say, "oh you of little faith!" I think it's funny, that verse "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" because when I was young used to think, "if I delight myself in him he'll give me the perfect house, the perfect husband and the mission I've always desired." And there are times that I slip back into that mindset, he's tricky though, because once you start delighting yourself in him, he becomes the desire of your heart it's when you take your eyes off him that suddenly you think all those other things are your desires. I'm so glad God put Peter's example in the Word for me and that even after we've messed up he's willing to use us for his glory and he just keeps reminding us to simply follow him. Because he has the plan and it may not look like someone else's plan, but whether he wants to keep them around until he comes back is his business not mine, I've got my own path to walk down.

i'd like to thank you for not praying...

I've been busy lately, of course when am I not? This week and next week are midterms coupled with papers and presentations and finding time to get everything done has been hard. I, though, have priorities (and have learned in my political science class that yes I am rational because will always order them in the same way no matter what order they are presented to me in ^_^). My top priority is pursuing God, that is through scripture reading, church and community with believers and whether I have a midterm the next day or simply work I will always choose my Christ centered focus first. So, while I had a midterm this morning I still chose to go to A Night with the Chapmans last night, which was wonderful and I'll tell you about later, but consequently didn't get in any study time. I prayed fervently to find time to study, but afterward last night and this morning time was not showing itself. Walking to my first class this morning I thought, "well I hope I learned enough in class cause I'm not going to get to review." As I walked into the Fine Arts building though I saw people from my class walking out and grumbling and then saw that beautiful white piece of paper on the door saying class was cancelled. Obviously others had not been praying to learn their lesson about music this morning and God granted my request for study time. So, I got an hour. My next prayer was that God would help me focus on what the important information was so I didn't waste my time with things I didn't know and once I received the test I was the 4th person done and I'm pretty sure I only missed one question. In my limited time I hadn't had time to look at certain examples and had completely missed a column of ideas I was supposed to know, yet miraculously none of those were on the test. After walking out I was joined by another girl who had focused her studies on the last column saying, "those seemed like the ones she was most concerned about." Followed by a few other derogatory remarks.

While I know that if others had been praying for there to be class or maybe she had been praying for her study time to be blessed my sovereign God would have worked it out. He's always proven himself to be all powerful so I think he could have done it. I'm just thankful that he heard my prayers and cares even about me passing my midterm!! I certainly do have a great God!

one less...

Matthew West has come out with a new album based on the stories of people's lives. One song was inspired by the hundreds of stories he received from people telling about how adoption had changed their lives, but most specifically about a family who had adopted a 5 year old from Guatemala. The song is incredible! He talks about how God brought worlds together so that there would be one less broken hear in the world, but what brought me to tears on my drive to work was what the father said about the picture of God's family he had seen. I've heard many times about the beautiful picture provided showing how God adopted us into his family. This man, though, gave a different picture. He compared coming home from Guatemala with his new daughter to what it was going to be like when one of God's children enters heaven. He said that when they left Guatemala with their new daughter there was little said, a few tears, and some anxious anticipation but when they got home they entered a fanfare. There was celebration within their family and their church community thrilled to see this precious daughter brought home.

I'll be honest, it breaks my heart constantly to think of the orphans

in this world. It torments me knowing how unlovely they must feel, realizing that they are so helpless and subject to the evilness of man. By no fault of their own they have no one to turn to, no protection and a silent cry, but how incredible is it that God has taken this disgusting, horrible fact and allowed it to be a picture of his love, his kindness, and his goodness? This family was faithful in what God had asked of them along with many others and each family is a walking testimony of Christ, where backgrounds and colors fade and all is eclipsed by his insurmountable glory.

If you get the chance to pick up Matthew's CD, The Story of Your Life, or see him on tour this Fall, I'd say take it! This is such a cool idea he had of writing stories simply based on people's lives, plus Matthew really is a great artist! I know that "I Love You More" has lifted me out of pits more times than I can count!

Here's a link to the story and new song by Matthew West and seriously if you're anything like me be prepared for a few tears to fall it's beautiful! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPVlgej4P68

putting off till tomorrow...

I'm not sure who it was who said, "why put off till tomorrow what you could get done today?" but I have an answer for them, because I'm tired!! Yes, I could stay up the extra hour it would take me to get my paper roughly finished, but my pillow is much more comfortable than I can resist and I know that my alarm clock is officially set of exactly 7 hours from the current time and I want those 7 hours!! So, yes I am putting off till tomorrow what I could get done today, but Brandon told me on Sunday to rest, that maybe I need a nap, well a nap may not be an option but bedtime is, so goodnight world I will see you in the morning! :)

to-do list...

To be honest I love the beginning of each semester because I love getting each and every syllabus. You can read through it see exactly what the professor wants and all of your tasks for the semester, lay them out nicely in terms of what needs to be done when and then cross them off one by one with the list of to-dos getting shorter and shorter, until completion. The achiever in me LOVES crossing things off! Honestly, I make out to-do lists that have somethings listed that I already have done simply so that I can cross them off and see how much I already have accomplished.

Today I heard a woman after my own heart, she said, "don't you just wish sometimes that God

would email you a to-do list in the morning and then you could know exactly what to do to serve him that day and cross of each thing as you complete it?" I almost screamed, "YES!!" I mean you wouldn't miss helping that lady with the flat-tire on I-630 because you were in the left lane, because you would already know to be in the right lane ready to pull over. I'd also be ok if he wanted to be more miraculous and give me my to-do list in the version of writing on the wall or whatever. Then I could cross things off and know that I'm getting done all that he wants from me every single day and not missing anything. And could you imagine if your to-do list said say, "buy ticket for India 3 weeks from today," or "deny job offer by such and such company," or "go say hi to the guy in the yellow shirt in the student union." How great would that be to just know what to do everyday?

I guess that takes out the element of faith and that's not how God works. It's like those classrooms that only have one rule, respect. That one rule of respect is harding to follow and requires so much more thought than a list dos and don'ts. It requires constant thought, constant evaluation of where you are emotionally and spiritually. If I had a to-do list I wouldn't have to be dependent on God for every moment and in every decision and while that might not make the achiever in me happy, it does make me closer to God than my to-do list would. David Crowder says that his daily prayer is that the Lord would give him enough light to see his next step and the courage to take it. While that's a scarier path than my wish of a simple to-do list, I guess God knew what he was doing in having his children cling close to him. So today Lord, please give me the light to see my next step and the courage to take it.

allowing god to do his thing...

If you read my previous post you saw that I have some rough days here. At times I want to yell, sometimes hit something, and like the other day, cry. With my controlling nature I want to fix all of it. I feel in my gut that it is my job to make the person realize how horrible they've been. I'm supposed to convict them and show them the light, but God clearly showed me the opposite this week.

Remember how I said a guy called me "worthless?" He had yelled at me. He threatened to not support the ministry and hung up on me twice. The entire time I was on the phone all I could think was, "Christ please give me the words." Secretly hoping he was going to give me the words to put this absolutely horrible man in his place. However all I did the entire time was apologize and finish taking the beating, then get off the phone and literally begin to cry in my cube. As you read God, though, showed me that I was worthy and that he took pity on me and being right with my Father I asked God to help me stop rehearsing the scene in my head and to help me focus on things that are good and pure and holy and stop worrying about everything else.

I've discovered that I do have to have God's help in this. I don't know if other people may be better optimists than I am, but I inherited from my father, grandfather and grandmother on the other side a personality of anxiety, fretting about everything. My mom and dad though taught me how to turn it over and let it go, which while difficult I've learned to accept help with and this time I was able to get past the "worthless" incident rather quickly.

On Wednesday, though, I heard a familiar voice on the phone, it was him again! I was certain he had called back to tell me more about how I fail in everything and was in process of waving down my boss when I heard, "this is Christa, right?"

I thought, "oh yes it is and I'm not dealing with you today! Just wait until my boss tells you off!!" I said, though, "yes sir, how may I serve you?"

He said, "will you please forgive me? I lost my temper on Monday and I should have never spoken to you that way. There is no excuse for the way I acted and God has been convicting me of it. I am so very sorry."

As you can imagine my jaw dropped and I of course granted forgiveness. He sounded like a different man. He was kind and encouraging. He was obviously full of the Spirit, which was so sweet to witness. It's amazing what God can do both in his heart and mine through forgiveness. God showed me once again that he is in control. I don't have to fight for my rights or put someone in their place. I can relax and lay in the arms of my Father and trust that he will work all things for good for those who love him.

i'm a people pleaser...

I like for people to be happy. I honestly find more joy in someone else enjoying their Christmas present than receiving any. I enjoy saying the things that make people break into smiles and doing the little things that will help someone else have a great day.

The opposite of that is, though, I hate for people to be unhappy whether it's my fault or not. This is where the problem lies, especially working in Customer Service. I am an excellent CSR, if I do say so myself (and my boss generally backs me up on it) because I'll work so hard to make someone happy by the end of their call. If I can't make them happy though, and especially if they seem to blame it on me, it breaks my heart. I know that my worth is found in Christ and obviously not in the approval of men, but it still tends to break my heart to know that they are not happy.

Today has been rough. Call #1 was a woman who was upset over her perception that she had not been helped and nothing I could say or do seemed to make her happy. A bit later I had a woman offended by the way we wrote her name on her mailing and even though I corrected it she was still upset that we "would do that in the first place!" Then I had a call by a man and I could not get him the resources he wanted and so he told me that I was lazy, incompetent and simply looking out for my dime. After being, I thought, disconnected I called him back to try to get things cleared up when he told me he had hung up on me because I was "worthless." He then proceeded to hang up on me again but only after he had thrown in a few more cutting remarks. I've also received an email upset about our return policy, and one telling me that I'm not a Christian because I had responded to her request for us to put a stamp of approval on her divorce that God hates divorce and as far as it be for us we should seek reconciliation.

and it's only lunchtime...

I know this is a fine line we walk between letting ourselves be defined by what someone else thinks and being a servant as Christ has called us to be and for me the line is very blurry, very often. Satan attacks me so often at work telling me of all the wrong things I did with the last phone call, telling me it's my fault that person spoke to me that way, or simply causing me to rehearse in my mind statements like, "you're worthless."

I'm glad I don't have to stay in that place though! I'm grateful that I can go back to God's word and be reminded of how much he loves me. Today in the Fellowship Journal we were reading Matthew 20 and in that account as Jesus is walking up to Jerusalem two blind men ask Jesus to grant them mercy. The crowd that was following Jesus, all those who claimed to be Christ followers, rebuked the men, but Jesus took pity on them and healed their sight. I'm glad to know that even though Christians rebuke me and call me worthless, Christ takes pity on me and heals me every time!!

ps if you want a simple guide to reading the Bible everyday you can always join us in the Fellowship Journal at myfellowshipjournal.com :)

the C.A.L.L...

So as some of you know and most of you don't I have begun volunteering for The C.A.L.L. right here in Pulaski County. God laid on my heart long ago the passion to care for the fatherless and while there are sweet babies in China in need of love and forever families, there are also children in Uganda, Argentina, India, Brazil, Mexico, Australia, Russia, Ukraine, Britain, and the list goes on and on, but what most people forget is that there are orphans in your country, your city, and maybe even in your neighborhood. The C.A.L.L. focuses on these children in need of forever homes right here in your backyard...

There are about 3,500 children in the Arkansas State Foster Care System at any given time.

These children come into state custody through no fault of their own -

it is because of abuse, neglect, or some other safety concern in the home.

For instance, there are about 7,000 children in foster care in Arkansas within a year,

and there are only about 950 foster families available to care for those children!

Plus, there are over 500 children available for adoption through foster care in our state.

It's a crisis shortage!

It's time for the Body of Christ to step up

and meet the needs of these children in our own neighborhoods!

We are asking you, if you are called, to care for one of these precious children

through foster care, adoption, respite care, or volunteering in some way.

You don't have to go to China to fulfill James 1:27 and visit the orphans in their affliction. You can care for the least of the least right here in your hometown. These children have no home, they have no voice, and they have no hope. Will you be part of the movement that Christ has called us to and step up and care for these little ones?

I will continue to keep you updated on ways you can help. There's going to be a telethon coming up that I'm the point person for and we need people on the phones! But I will keep you updated because there are numerous ways that you can help! If you're feeling God tug at your heart to care for these little ones please give me a call, shoot me an email, I'm on facebook or track me down on the street I'd love to get you connected!!! Also, if you're not in Arkansas still hunt me down and I'll find something for you to get involved in locally in your community where ever that is!! I promise these kids will change your life!

email: chartman@familylife.com

ps if you want to know more about The C.A.L.L. you can check out this videohttp://vimeo.com/6576611 or visit their website www.thecallinarkansas.org

and of course if you want to help out showHOPE (the amazing folks I went to China with this summer) they're at www.showhope.org

and if you want to get an orphan care ministry started out in your church may I suggest Hope for Orphans :)

Will you answer The C.A.L.L.??

sorry if some brain splatters on you...

Do you know that feeling when your head hurts so badly that to open your eyes or even move your hand seems to make it feel like it might explode at any moment? Yeah, that's how I feel right now, so sorry if there are some typos in this I'm typing with my eyes closed because the computer screen hurts my eyes. In addition, if you're within a radius of me that could be considered the "splash zone" you may want to stand clear because you may get some brain on your nice clean shirt after my skull cracks under the pressure and turns into a violent explosion getting brain everywhere...

I know I'm lame, but hey I'm the one trying to figure this thing out so I'm allowed to ponder what I will, but 100 years ago or 1000 years ago or 3000 years ago what did they do if they got a horrible headache like this? Did Alexander the Great ever have to put off a campaign because his head was in so much pain? Did Van Gogh have to put off finishing Starry Night? Did John the Baptist ever have to say, "I guess I'll have to baptist you guys tomorrow right now I feel like my brain might splatter on you"?

No one ever talks about headaches in history books, they don't mention that anyone had what we would consider "migraines." We know they didn't have Excedrin to deal with them, in the really olden days they didn't even have the ability to put a cool cloth on their head...man, that had to have been horrible!! Although, speaking on behalf of someone who has had more medication today than one should probably technically have (shhhh don't tell my doctor, oh wait I don't have one...nevermind), I don't know if the medication really helps so maybe our lives really aren't that much different...

p.s. while trying to see what my brain might look like if it did explode i came across these...

I totally think I need to figure out how to make them ;)

runnin barefoot...

I woke up and put on my nice outfit so that my presentations would go splendidly and hopefully my professors would be so distracted by how nice I looked it wouldn't matter what I said anyhow and left the house early. I arrived on campus by 7:45 so that I could print out one of my papers and make copies for my class in the evening. As I hit print on the computer screen and saw the words "paper jam" I knew this day wasn't going to run as smoothly as I had hoped. Next the book I needed had been shelved wrong and then the copier was down. I finally accomplished all I had planned to, arrived to Music Appreciation late (which who really cares we talked about downbeats and head notes, that's a hard one to figure out) and thought, "it's ok I have everything I need now, these presentations are going to be a piece of cake."

I generally do presentations with such ease. I like talking and I like people looking at me so a presentation is like the perfect place for me, but as I walked out of Music and glanced at my phone to realize that my professor had let me out 11 minutes late and thus I was now late to my class in which I was supposed to do my presentation first thing I flipped! I began sprinting across campus in my 3 inch heels and pencil skirt trying to make it before it was too late, before my professor thought I was an irresponsible student who couldn't even get to class on the day she has a presentation! Finally as the straps from my heals began to cut into my

foot and it felt like blisters were forming instantly I stopped, kicked them off (far enough ahead of me that I didn't actually have to stop, but just bend over to pick them up), grabbed my shoulder bag so it wasn't swinging around and really took off. I heard comments as I ran, jokes

about just being out for a nice morning jog and other such remarks, but I wasn't about to

explain myself to anyone I had a window of maybe 3 minutes before my grade turned from the expected A+ to F- (ie 0%) and I still had 2 more buildings to run by and then had to sprint up the stairs and down the hall.

Finally, I was standing outside the classroom. I slipped my shoes back on, brushed my fingers through my hair, took a big breath and walked through the door. All I had time to do was throw my bag by the desk and walk straight to the front, but I did it. Never before in my life has my leg shook during a presentation, but hey I just got my grade and yep 98.5% (the only criticism was I should work on my punctuality, next time she'd deduct a lot more than 1.5%. Ha, if she only knew ^_^)

oh starbucks...

First I must explain why I would be in line at Starbucks in the first place. I had to make copies out of some reference books for my presentation on Hysteria tonight in my Disease in Society class and the library only had a $5 bill meaning it was either put $15 dollars on my card, enough for 150 copies which I don't think I'd ever make or go get change. Starbucks was close and open so I decided I could give Starbucks the tiny bit of profit off a Sobe Lifewater (it's not like my boycott has put them out of business yet, I hoped the minuscule bit I was giving them wouldn't save them).

So, there I stood, face red and contemplating my choice over and over again wondering what me giving in and buying this water said about me and my morals. If I'm willing to buy something from Starbucks without being forced what am I going to do next, try pickles?? But, I stayed in line and as I approached the counter I noticed the cashier step away, I

thought to make the Cappuccino that had just been ordered. For those who don't know or realize what a cappuccino is supposed to be it is espresso with creamy FOAM from steamed milk. A dry capp has almost no milk and only foam, a wet capp has more milk less foam (this is the definition given both by Websters dictionary and the food dictionary online, in addition to being common knowledge among coffee connoisseurs). The picture to the right shows this ratio vs that of a latte. To make this kind of foam you need to steam the milk in a very particular way and pay close attention to detail, however the woman who went to make this persons cappuccino simply poured milk into a dirty milk pitcher and stuck it under the steam nozzle and walked back to ring up my water paying no attention to the steaming milk.

I didn't know what to do. The barista in me just about sprinted around the counter to try to save this drink. When she asked me if the water was all for me and I had no words. I just stared at the milk and then asked if she needed to pay attention to the steaming milk, "it's ok I'm in no rush I can wait." When she said "oh no I'm just getting that milk nice and warm for a cappuccino," I thought I was going to cry. I handed her my money while still unable to take my eyes off the pitcher of milk that should have been ruined and not given to a customer she finally asked, "are you sure you don't want something else?" I said, "no" took my change and walked away with a deep pain in my heart thinking of that poor person drinking that inadequate

cappuccino and then I felt even worse when I thought, "wait, does that person think that's acceptable as a cappuccino? Do they not know that they are drinking a latte (and a poorly made one at that and not a cappuccino?"

My thoughts then transferred from frustration and I must admit a bit of anger to sorrow. The simple thought that this poor man was convinced of a lie, he believed it, he embraced it and he paid big bucks for it and didn't even know what he was missing out on was simply heartbreaking to me. I, though, said nothing. I am just as much to blame for the drink fiasco for idly standing by and watching the travesty take place. How many times do I stand idly by watching people around succumb to the lies of this world and say nothing? I watch people who think partying, alcohol, friends, a relationship, or whatever else is the answer, they think it's the real thing, their cappuccino, when in actuality it's simply a milky latte. It's not bold. It's not strong. It's not pure. It's just milky and they don't even know what they're missing out on, but are we, am I going to stand up and show them?

ps this is not a bash on lattes, i'm just saying they are not the same as cappuccinos ;)

to be still...

Over the past week I keep being told to be still, be quiet. Anyone who knows me even remotely knows that still and quiet are not the words that tend to be used to describe me, generally people use things like energetic, talkative, or if you're my family things like Jabber Jaws and Motor Mouth are a bit more common descriptions than tranquil or silent. I spend time with God daily and I try to be quiet and still and God can tell you that this little bundle of energy generally jumps from scripture to scripture and my prayers are not generally easily followed, it's a good thing I have an all-knowing God who can discern the randomness I generally put forth. Awhile back in hopes of streamlining my prayers I decided to as often as I could to type them out, in fact there's a "prayers" folder on my computer. It tends to make them a bit more coherent, yet every time I know one's been answered I try to go back and find it and end up reading through about 20 of them and always wonder how in this mess of seemingly random thoughts how God was able to piece them together and come up with something that made sense. While I know that I'm young and not the most seasoned believer I have discovered in my 24 years that when a common theme comes up in God's word and from your spiritual leaders over and over again I need to listen. Since Monday through blogs, sermons, God's Word, and some good friends I have been told to be still and quiet approximately 27 times (to be honest I lost count around 25 but I know it's been a couple since then).

It's not like I haven't tried to be still before, I really have. I have gone into the woods, to the park, in the back yard with just my Bible, no cell phone, no ipod, nothing and every time I felt like I was in the ultimate battle of good versus evil. I always sit there and hear the Devil's lies going through my mind and then asking God to remove them, much of my time is spent quoting "do not be anxious for anything but in everything through prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God" and begging God to help me put my thoughts on "whatever is pure and righteous." I decided though after my constant prodding, obviously by God that I needed to take time over this 3 day weekend once again to turn off the cell phone, put away the ipod and go off to be still before the Lord. Little did I know that God had plans for me to be still a bit sooner than that...

At 501 last night, the young adults group at Fellowship, Mike once again talked about being still and quiet. I told God, "I get it! I'm going to take a very large chunk of time this weekend, you know I don't have time before that considering it takes about 2 hours for me to get still. You know that I almost have to wind up to it, it's not something that I can do quickly." God, as he does, responded quickly though as Mike said, "and I'm going to give you some time to be silent right now." I really think I rolled my eyes and thought, "ok, God I'll try, but you know me." So I put my head down on the table so I wouldn't be tempted to open my eyes and then Brad started playing the guitar, like I could ever get my mind to stop with a guitar playing! Worse yet, I love Brad to death but his rests were sometimes one beat, sometimes one and a half, sometimes he came in a bit too early. It's all i could think about, each pluck was like an eternity, each rest felt like a Jack-in-the-Box never knowing when exactly he's going to come in and that's when I heard God's audible voice. My all-powerful God was actually able to break through my thoughts and my fixation on notes and it felt like he screamed at me, "BE QUIET! BE STILL!" My mind resembled that of the storm that Jesus calmed, the rushing thoughts, the constant fixations suddenly were still." I sat there for a moment, overwhelmed, a bit fearful and so grateful. I was so grateful that God had silenced me, that I didn't have to do it myself and then God spoke again this time through the very thing that would normally have completely distracted me. In that moment I didn't even understand where the words were coming from but Sara had started to sing, but at that time I knew it was God's voice straight to me. I can't remember what the song was now even though it was a familiar tune. God just kept saying over and over again, "I did it for you. you don't have to do anything. you don't have to know anything. just continue to follow me one step at a time. i love you for the wretched, despicable sinner you are all you need to is fall on me. i need you to stop trying now. i know you want to do things for me, but i've already done it." It seemed that in that moment God and I had a 3 day long conversation even though I know that it really had only been maybe 4 or 5 minutes.

I didn't know how to explain this, I struggled last night asking God to give me words for what the change was and today he gave them to me. I began reading Mary Beth Chapman's new book Choosing to SEE, which by the way I HIGHLY recommend and she was talking about her journey with adoption, yet it was exactly how I feel about this point in my life. She says, "It captured my faith journey at that time. As you know, for many of the events in my life I'd made plans and barreled toward what I wanted. With this big life decision...I felt like I was making that journey one little step at a time, walking each step God showed me to walk, not taking matters into my own hands and churning toward where I wanted to go. I didn't know where I wanted to go. I was conflicted and chose to believe that being conflicted was right where I needed to be in order for my faith to be put into action." So, I'm in good company, I am conflicted, but I now know that being conflicted is right where God needs me to be.

wandering around blind...

I have 3 months and 14 days left of college, yes the count down has begun. The problem is I realized that also means that I only have 3 months and 14 days until I'm a grown-up. Throughout my college career I've continually been asked, "so what do you want to do when you're out?" and I've continually answered, "I still have time to figure that out." Today I realized, my time is running out quickly.

So I got out a pad and pen and began to think about what I want to be when I grow-up...

You know that cricket sound they make in movies when it's complete silence, that's all that was in my head, crickets. I then thought about fishing and then why we use crickets and not grasshoppers, or do they use grasshoppers? Then I thought about how weird it is that no one plays cricket, I'd like to learn to play cricket even though I hear it's really rough, of course I love water polo and that's a rough sport, man I miss the days of playing water polo back in high school I always kicked tail! Man, high school when I was in high school I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, and then I remembered what I was supposed to be thinking about, oh yes, my future.

I decided first to travel back, what did I want to be in years past maybe I just forgot what I want to do...

Well at age 4 I wanted to be a Batman and Joker mommy--I've since discovered that both are older than me, beyond the age of adoption and they're fictional so I don't think that's a viable career path.

By age 6 I had decided on teacher, singer, or first woman president--firstly I think there will be a woman president before I'm 32 and I've discovered that to be president you have to be a politician and people don't like it when their politicians begin to cry during a debate because no one will listen to them so I don't think that's going to work. Singer, well if someone wants to discover me I'd still be open to it, but it doesn't seem that's where God's calling me. And I tried the teacher thing and God told me no, but I still don't know what he's saying "yes" to.

So then I started to dream...I thought, "if I could do anything, be anything and money or schooling or experience, if nothing was to hold me back what would I do?" That's when the crickets started up their chorus again.

I've always thought of myself like Joseph, I used to think I'd been given this dream and was still in slavery or in jail (yes I did just compare college to slavery and jail, it was keeping me from doing what God had called me to) but now realize that I don't have a dream, I've got nothin. Then God brought Paul to mind, well before he was Paul. He was on a mission that he believed was for God and then Jesus came to him and knocked him to the ground and blinded him and then he wandered around for a couple of days completely blind until God called Ananias. Can you imagine how those couple of days felt?! He had to have been thinking, "I'll never see again!" "What's will this Jesus? He comes knocks me off my horse and then blinds me!?!"

To be honest that's a bit how I've felt, like I was knocked off my donkey which was going down my road to Damascus (ie doing something that I thought I was supposed to do, all in my own strength. no, not persecuting Christians that's not part of the analogy, no worries) and now I'm wandering around blind. And over time I have had conversations with God asking why he has knocked me off a perfectly good career path and then seemingly left me hanging. But he has given me little footsteps along the way and thus I know I am where I'm supposed to be. I know I'm doing what has been asked of me. I just wish I knew that next step, but I guess God knows I am a bit like Paul, well to be honest I think I'm more like Saul. I have a tendency to get the idea and run for it doing it in my own strength not waiting on him, so maybe that's why I'm blind to force me to wait, to force me to depend on him to accomplish it. I'll be honest though, I really wish he would give me a hint or hurry up and call to my Ananias so that I could figure out what to do next, but I'm beginning to figure out that's the point...