test

test

what about john...

Tonight God kind of yelled at me, in the loving Godly way of yelling at someone. If you've read much of the gospels it sounded a lot like his talk with Peter when he asked him over and over again "Peter, do you love me?" I've always related to Peter. I've always wanted to relate to John, you know "the disciple whom Jesus loved," although I still love that John called himself that. :) I've also wanted to be more like Paul, but really the more and more I read of scripture Peter and I are like two peas in a pod, he must have been a cleric, sanguine mix as well. I know I'm quick to jump out of the boat, and I know I'm really bad about then looking at the waves and starting to sink. I know that I'd be the first to jump up and say "I'll never deny you!" yet, I know there are times when I have. Tonight, I was shown another way that I'm like Peter, we're comparative....

Tim Lundy came and talked to 501 tonight about God's silence. I'm not going to transcribe the talk for you, although I do wish I had a recording, but I am going to tell you about my little "Peter moment." Tim was talking about how when we have those gaps in conversation we need to be sure we fill it with faith in Christ and not other things. I don't think it's any surprise to anyone, but I'm not where I thought I was going to be at 24. I never thought I'd be back in Little Rock, I was pretty certain I'd either be famous or in another country by now. I was also pretty certain I'd be married or at least be out of school, but I'm none of those things. I do know though that I'm where God has told me to be and honestly I look around and think, "ok God, I've held up my end of the bargain. I'm doing what you've asked me to do, seriously why is 'so and so' who has not sacrificed nearly as much as I have getting all the desires of her heart and what do I have to show?" Really, "what about her?" I'm glad to know though that once again, I'm in good company. When Jesus foretold of Peter's crucifixion in John 21 his immediate response was "what about John?" I can imagine it, if 5 or 6 years ago Jesus had come to me and foretold of where my life was going to be now I'm pretty sure I would have said, "well, what about Malorie?" or "what about Lorraine?" But Jesus said, "what is that to you? You must follow me."

So, that's what God said to me tonight, "stop worrying about them, that is none of your concern. You, Christa Marie, must follow me!" And ya know, yeah Peter did get crucified, but John wasn't the only one Jesus loved, he loved Peter too. So, once again I've got to get my eyes off those around me and simply follow him, no matter what that means. I'd rather be rejected, tortured, or even worse an old maid ;) than for Christ to look at me and say, "oh you of little faith!" I think it's funny, that verse "delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart" because when I was young used to think, "if I delight myself in him he'll give me the perfect house, the perfect husband and the mission I've always desired." And there are times that I slip back into that mindset, he's tricky though, because once you start delighting yourself in him, he becomes the desire of your heart it's when you take your eyes off him that suddenly you think all those other things are your desires. I'm so glad God put Peter's example in the Word for me and that even after we've messed up he's willing to use us for his glory and he just keeps reminding us to simply follow him. Because he has the plan and it may not look like someone else's plan, but whether he wants to keep them around until he comes back is his business not mine, I've got my own path to walk down.

i'd like to thank you for not praying...

I've been busy lately, of course when am I not? This week and next week are midterms coupled with papers and presentations and finding time to get everything done has been hard. I, though, have priorities (and have learned in my political science class that yes I am rational because will always order them in the same way no matter what order they are presented to me in ^_^). My top priority is pursuing God, that is through scripture reading, church and community with believers and whether I have a midterm the next day or simply work I will always choose my Christ centered focus first. So, while I had a midterm this morning I still chose to go to A Night with the Chapmans last night, which was wonderful and I'll tell you about later, but consequently didn't get in any study time. I prayed fervently to find time to study, but afterward last night and this morning time was not showing itself. Walking to my first class this morning I thought, "well I hope I learned enough in class cause I'm not going to get to review." As I walked into the Fine Arts building though I saw people from my class walking out and grumbling and then saw that beautiful white piece of paper on the door saying class was cancelled. Obviously others had not been praying to learn their lesson about music this morning and God granted my request for study time. So, I got an hour. My next prayer was that God would help me focus on what the important information was so I didn't waste my time with things I didn't know and once I received the test I was the 4th person done and I'm pretty sure I only missed one question. In my limited time I hadn't had time to look at certain examples and had completely missed a column of ideas I was supposed to know, yet miraculously none of those were on the test. After walking out I was joined by another girl who had focused her studies on the last column saying, "those seemed like the ones she was most concerned about." Followed by a few other derogatory remarks.

While I know that if others had been praying for there to be class or maybe she had been praying for her study time to be blessed my sovereign God would have worked it out. He's always proven himself to be all powerful so I think he could have done it. I'm just thankful that he heard my prayers and cares even about me passing my midterm!! I certainly do have a great God!

one less...

Matthew West has come out with a new album based on the stories of people's lives. One song was inspired by the hundreds of stories he received from people telling about how adoption had changed their lives, but most specifically about a family who had adopted a 5 year old from Guatemala. The song is incredible! He talks about how God brought worlds together so that there would be one less broken hear in the world, but what brought me to tears on my drive to work was what the father said about the picture of God's family he had seen. I've heard many times about the beautiful picture provided showing how God adopted us into his family. This man, though, gave a different picture. He compared coming home from Guatemala with his new daughter to what it was going to be like when one of God's children enters heaven. He said that when they left Guatemala with their new daughter there was little said, a few tears, and some anxious anticipation but when they got home they entered a fanfare. There was celebration within their family and their church community thrilled to see this precious daughter brought home.

I'll be honest, it breaks my heart constantly to think of the orphans

in this world. It torments me knowing how unlovely they must feel, realizing that they are so helpless and subject to the evilness of man. By no fault of their own they have no one to turn to, no protection and a silent cry, but how incredible is it that God has taken this disgusting, horrible fact and allowed it to be a picture of his love, his kindness, and his goodness? This family was faithful in what God had asked of them along with many others and each family is a walking testimony of Christ, where backgrounds and colors fade and all is eclipsed by his insurmountable glory.

If you get the chance to pick up Matthew's CD, The Story of Your Life, or see him on tour this Fall, I'd say take it! This is such a cool idea he had of writing stories simply based on people's lives, plus Matthew really is a great artist! I know that "I Love You More" has lifted me out of pits more times than I can count!

Here's a link to the story and new song by Matthew West and seriously if you're anything like me be prepared for a few tears to fall it's beautiful! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oPVlgej4P68

putting off till tomorrow...

I'm not sure who it was who said, "why put off till tomorrow what you could get done today?" but I have an answer for them, because I'm tired!! Yes, I could stay up the extra hour it would take me to get my paper roughly finished, but my pillow is much more comfortable than I can resist and I know that my alarm clock is officially set of exactly 7 hours from the current time and I want those 7 hours!! So, yes I am putting off till tomorrow what I could get done today, but Brandon told me on Sunday to rest, that maybe I need a nap, well a nap may not be an option but bedtime is, so goodnight world I will see you in the morning! :)

to-do list...

To be honest I love the beginning of each semester because I love getting each and every syllabus. You can read through it see exactly what the professor wants and all of your tasks for the semester, lay them out nicely in terms of what needs to be done when and then cross them off one by one with the list of to-dos getting shorter and shorter, until completion. The achiever in me LOVES crossing things off! Honestly, I make out to-do lists that have somethings listed that I already have done simply so that I can cross them off and see how much I already have accomplished.

Today I heard a woman after my own heart, she said, "don't you just wish sometimes that God

would email you a to-do list in the morning and then you could know exactly what to do to serve him that day and cross of each thing as you complete it?" I almost screamed, "YES!!" I mean you wouldn't miss helping that lady with the flat-tire on I-630 because you were in the left lane, because you would already know to be in the right lane ready to pull over. I'd also be ok if he wanted to be more miraculous and give me my to-do list in the version of writing on the wall or whatever. Then I could cross things off and know that I'm getting done all that he wants from me every single day and not missing anything. And could you imagine if your to-do list said say, "buy ticket for India 3 weeks from today," or "deny job offer by such and such company," or "go say hi to the guy in the yellow shirt in the student union." How great would that be to just know what to do everyday?

I guess that takes out the element of faith and that's not how God works. It's like those classrooms that only have one rule, respect. That one rule of respect is harding to follow and requires so much more thought than a list dos and don'ts. It requires constant thought, constant evaluation of where you are emotionally and spiritually. If I had a to-do list I wouldn't have to be dependent on God for every moment and in every decision and while that might not make the achiever in me happy, it does make me closer to God than my to-do list would. David Crowder says that his daily prayer is that the Lord would give him enough light to see his next step and the courage to take it. While that's a scarier path than my wish of a simple to-do list, I guess God knew what he was doing in having his children cling close to him. So today Lord, please give me the light to see my next step and the courage to take it.

allowing god to do his thing...

If you read my previous post you saw that I have some rough days here. At times I want to yell, sometimes hit something, and like the other day, cry. With my controlling nature I want to fix all of it. I feel in my gut that it is my job to make the person realize how horrible they've been. I'm supposed to convict them and show them the light, but God clearly showed me the opposite this week.

Remember how I said a guy called me "worthless?" He had yelled at me. He threatened to not support the ministry and hung up on me twice. The entire time I was on the phone all I could think was, "Christ please give me the words." Secretly hoping he was going to give me the words to put this absolutely horrible man in his place. However all I did the entire time was apologize and finish taking the beating, then get off the phone and literally begin to cry in my cube. As you read God, though, showed me that I was worthy and that he took pity on me and being right with my Father I asked God to help me stop rehearsing the scene in my head and to help me focus on things that are good and pure and holy and stop worrying about everything else.

I've discovered that I do have to have God's help in this. I don't know if other people may be better optimists than I am, but I inherited from my father, grandfather and grandmother on the other side a personality of anxiety, fretting about everything. My mom and dad though taught me how to turn it over and let it go, which while difficult I've learned to accept help with and this time I was able to get past the "worthless" incident rather quickly.

On Wednesday, though, I heard a familiar voice on the phone, it was him again! I was certain he had called back to tell me more about how I fail in everything and was in process of waving down my boss when I heard, "this is Christa, right?"

I thought, "oh yes it is and I'm not dealing with you today! Just wait until my boss tells you off!!" I said, though, "yes sir, how may I serve you?"

He said, "will you please forgive me? I lost my temper on Monday and I should have never spoken to you that way. There is no excuse for the way I acted and God has been convicting me of it. I am so very sorry."

As you can imagine my jaw dropped and I of course granted forgiveness. He sounded like a different man. He was kind and encouraging. He was obviously full of the Spirit, which was so sweet to witness. It's amazing what God can do both in his heart and mine through forgiveness. God showed me once again that he is in control. I don't have to fight for my rights or put someone in their place. I can relax and lay in the arms of my Father and trust that he will work all things for good for those who love him.